Edward Hates Fridays
by Not Short. Just Fun Sized
Summary: A long overdue prize for SaphireWhiteWolf. Summary: Edward really hates Fridays. Especially went they turn out like this...


**Dedicated to SaphireWhiteWolf~**

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><p>Edward had a very shitty Friday. Not only did his brother set his alarm 5 HOURS EARLY, but he had also set it to the shitty song, FRIDAY by Rebecca Black.<p>

"_Isn't it funny, brother? She can't get in the front seat because it's full, and she can't get in the back either! All the while her mom told her to ride the bus!"_

Edward thought the above one-sided conversation gained Alphonse a slap, which he gladly gave him, causing him to cry and run off after Ed had gone to work.

Work was extremely shitty. Mary-Sue had tried to mess with his mind to make him fall for her, and Roy had raped him in his office for the 12901248243950934 time. It was actually annoying now. Oh, and let's not mention Riza had also came in and had a round, along with Havoc.

And so now he was on his way to Amestris's few shitty gay bars to get hammered and then get raped, ending up in some random alley with his automail messed up, to which Winry would smash a thousand wrenches to his head for.

Of course, his day was already plenty shitty, so when he walked in that stupid FRIDAY was on. He went straight for the bar, getting the strongest thing he knew of and downing it, his headache slowly disappearing, as well as his sanity.

"Hey, pipsqueak!" Edward looked up to see his supposedly dead enemy/ half-brother/ secret lover swinging on one of the stripper poles. "Wanna private show?"

Edward groaned, smashing his head on the counter. "Stop teasing me in public, you jerk."

He heard the familiar laugh come closer, and then two pale, skinny hands wrapped around his neck. "C'mon, Eddie…I've been so horny all day, and these other guys aren't anything like you. Besides, Greed raped me earlier and you know what kind of mood I'm in after that…"

Edward shuddered as Envy skipped with him to the back room, completely decked with a bed, torture supplies, and CHOCOLATE.

Envy tied Ed down to the bed, to which Edward didn't mind at all, and started stripping them both, then throughly had consentual sex with his lover over and over again.

"Ah, Envy, that was amazing…"

Envy laughed, "You were screaming the wrong name." The fake pulled off the mask, "This is payback for earlier."

"….OMG I JUST LIKE TTLY HAD SEX WIT MUH BRUDDER OMG OMG OMG."

[OKAIES I STOP THE CRACK FIC HERE]

Edward crawled into the fedal position, rolling in the floor until the REAL Envy came in and kicked him the stomach. "The hell's got into you?"

"He made me think he was you…and I fucked Alphonse…"

Envy snorted, "So? You sleep with me and we're half-brothers. It's incest either way."

"I-It's different…we're closer…and Al doesn't torture me all the fucking time."

Edward's back was suddenly against the wall, Envy's breath hot on his skin, "So you're saying he's better than me?"

"Dammit, Envy!" Edward groaned as Envy grinded against him, his tounge tracing patterns on his partner's neck. "S-Stop putting words in my mouth…"

Now it was his lips attacking his neck. He knew it would leave marks that would last for days. Envy was like his own personal demon, kicking him when he was down, making his life more damned than it already was. But it wasn't like Edward was complaining. He couldn't survive without his own personal sin.

Envy shifted off his clothes to join Edward in his nakedness. He pressed up against Ed's hardness, making the former shiver. "God, you're so cold."

"I'm techinically dead. I'm not supposed to be warm. I don't have a heart."

Edward smirked, "Explains a lot of things."

Suddenly he was trapped between Envy's legs on either side on him. "Let me _show _you how heartless I can be."

His nails scraped down Edward chest, Edward groaning in both estacy and pain. The perfect blend. 10 long trails on blood covered the smaller one's body, and the sin smirked, licking each one as his partner hissed, arching his back.

"You don't have to do anything else…"Edward almost growled, "I get the picture."

Envy traced over one of the healing scars, "I'm in control here, pipsqueak."

"That was a nice way to end the day, wasn't it?"

Edward only pulled his clothes back on, ignoring Envy. Once he was dressed he attempted to fix his hair, deciding to leave it down for his best interest.

"So, what're you gonna say to Al?"

Edward almost forgot about his brother's disgusting trick. Speaking of Alphonse, Edward had just received a text from him.

FROM: ALPHONSE

WHERE ARE YOU! :'( Mustang said he did something really dirty tonight and I hope it didn't involve you! Please text back!

Holy fuck, it was MUSTANG? Yeah, he was definitely quitting his job tomorrow. He wasn't going to put up with that anymore, and it was hard enough walking after Envy fucked him. He didn't need his "boss" doing it daily, too.

"Nothing, it wasn't him. Thank God."

Envy snorted, "You're going to have to explain those marks on you, though."

"Well, genius, what do you think I should say?"

Envy though for a moment, "Just tell him it was me leaving my mark."

That earned Envy a smack in the face. In a quick reflex, he pushed Edward into the perfectly placed vase, which fell over, smashing to pieces.

Suddenly there was a boom! And then 6 strange looking guys came into the room. One was blonde with purple eyes, kind of like what Edward and Envvy's love child would look like. Two of them were dark haired, but one was taller while the other wore a smirk and glasses. Then there was a feminine looking one, who was in between two red heads (obviously twins). And then they was another blonde, who was incredibly small for being the eldest.

"They broke the vase~" The twins said harmoniously.

"Looks like they need to cough up 80,000 dollars." The glasses wearing guy said.

"Now, now, do we really need to add two more commoners to the group?" The love child said, and Edward gaped.

"HEY! WHY DO YOU SOUND LIKE ME!"

The love child laughed, "No, I think I'm older, little one."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THEY CAN BE STEPPED ON AND STILL LIVE WITHOUT A SCRATCH YOU TWENTY FOOT GIANT WHO PROBABLY GETS NO SEX AND HAS TO PUT HIS DICK IN DOGS!"

Cue Emo Lovechild.

"You still owe us 80,000 dollars."

And from that day on, Envy and Edward became maids in a different dimension for years until they paid off their debts, after which they retured home to a search party and hugs. Shortly after, they were married, and they lived not so happily ever after (because people tried to kill them everyday and FRIDAY was played every Friday).

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><p><strong>This is crack-tastic because I read BECAUSE I'M GERMANY before I wrote it. It. Is. Hilarious. GO READ THAT STORY! It literally got me in the writing mood because it was that funny! And Saphire, I don't know if THIS it what you meant about "funny", but if you don't like I'd happily do another for you! Kthxbai!<strong>


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